Write-Your-Own-Episode of 24

If you're anything like me, you love 24. You love everything about it. You love the explosions. You love the gunplay. You love the way Jack Bauer can kill a terrorist with his hands tied behind his back by ripping the bad guys throat out with his bare teeth. The trouble is, even with all the re-runs in syndication now, you can just never get enough. So I came up with a solution. By simply using the tools that I have provided here in this quick reference, now you can write your own episode of the Emmy Winning television juggernaut that is 24. No more waiting for Monday evening to roll around to get your Jack Bauer fix. Now when you start jonesing you can just look at this list and roll your own so to speak. For even more fun - enlist your friends to play your favorite 24 character (you get to be Jack of course, but get your cousin Lucille to play Chloe and that weird guy you see at the library all the time to sit in as CTU chief Bill Buchanan and you are in business my friend.)

Write your own Episode of 24 (starter kit)

"Get me the White House"
"That's not good enough Bill"
"Chloe, it's Jack"
"Bill, it's Jack"
"Bill Buchanan speaking"
"I'M A FEDERAL AGENT"
"DROP YOUR WEAPON"
"DAMMIT"
"SONOFABI**H"
"Send the data to my PDA"
"Chloe, I need you to monitor this location"
"I need a TAC team now"
"I don't have time to explain"
"Mr. President you have to trust me"
"Thousands of people are going to die IF YOU DON'T START TALKING TO ME RIGHT NOW"
"Jack, I'm sending a schematic of the buildings ventilation system to your PDA"
"This is Chloe O'Brien at CTU."
"I need to speak to the President"
"Jack, I'm so glad you're OK"
"We're running out of time Jack"
"Nukes"
"Biological Weapons"
"Chloe, how long 'til we establish satellite coverage of the area?"
"Terrorists"
"Chloe, I need you to set up a priority one channel with the White House"
"It's encrypted Jack"
"There was an explosion but we were able to salvage a hard drive from one of the terrorists laptops"
"BILL I NEED THAT CHOPPER STAT"
"Take her back to CTU and debrief her"
"The image is still rendering Jack...I need 5 more minutes"
"I don't want to hurt you but I will if I have to"


A few things to keep in mind when you're writing your episode...

1. Keifer Sutherland is contractually obligated to shout at least 80% of his lines per episode. Sometimes this may mean yelling during the course of a normal conversation.
2. Don't get bogged down by notions of "believability" or "reality" - they will only detract from the story.
3. Jack Bauer doesn't say goodbye when he ends a phone conversation. He must sign off all communications with the more official sounding "copy that". It's most effective if he can shout it into the phone as he's jumping into or out of a helicopter.
4. The mundane details that plague our lives have no bearing on Jack Bauer in his world. Do not concern yourself with things like eating, sleeping, using the bathroom or cell phone battery life.
5. Geographic proximity is of no consequence. Even in a city the size of Los Angeles there will always be a CTU helicopter within 3 minutes of Jack's location. In a worst case scenario, you can substitute the chopper for a fleet of SUV's. In those situations, you are permitted to extend the ETA to 5 minutes.
6. Finally, feel free to kill off anyone you wish (except for Jack of course). If you like, you can always bring them back later under the guise that they were not actually killed at all but were in fact able to escape just in time. As a reference point, see Secretary of Defense James Heller in Season 5. In fact, it's a good practice to randomly kill off a major character at least once or twice per season. It keeps all the plain bellied sneeches out there in TV land guessing.